This e-mail came from President Barack Obama at firstname.lastname@example.org. It was an e-mail sent to thank everyone on his mailing list who helped garner the 60 votes needed in the Senate to pass health reform. This bit of soaring oratory serves as a reminder as to why we elected the current president; not because his signature piece of legislation is so close to passing under his watchful eye and will benefit Americans of every stripe, but because he is so awesomely adroit at shining up a rotten apple and passing it out as a treat. You will note that he praises every one of us equally for this rotten bill, thus spreading the blame among us all. This is most clever, and serves to hide the true culprits who should be shunned and shamed for trying to pass this horseshit off as “reform” or “healthcare” – the Senate, the House, the health insurance and pharma corporations and their lobbyists, and Obama himself, who made deals with them all behind closed doors before discussions ever began. We are getting exactly the bill Obama wants us to have and intended us to have all along.
I have taken the liberty of inserting a few more honest remarks in brackets under his sentences to clarify his real meaning for those of us who haven’t quite learned his lingo yet. Don’t fret; the language is a slippery thing, but within a couple of years, you too will be able to interpret these speeches for yourself.
Early this morning, the Senate made history and health reform cleared its most important hurdle yet — garnering the 60 votes needed to move toward a final vote in that chamber later this week.
[It turns out all we needed to do was have Democrats bribe other Democrats with promises of spending your tax dollars on projects in their home states. Let’s face it, this piece of crap legislation was not going to get done on lobbyist bribes alone.]
This marks the first time in our nation’s history that comprehensive health reform has come to this point. And it appears that the American people will soon realize the genuine reform that offers security to those who have health insurance and affordable options to those who do not.
[Our legislative bodies noted with keen interest the willingness of the American public to allow the rape of the economy during this past year, and decided to go for broke. Those of you who claim to lack the funds to purchase plans from private insurance carriers will face fines, mandates, and the threat of a jail cell – quite a “secure” one, I assure you.]
I’m grateful to Senator Harry Reid and every senator who’s been working around the clock to make this happen. And I’m grateful to you, and every member of the Organizing for America community, for all the work you have done to make this progress possible.
[I am not impressed with you liberals, however, who have tried subversively at every step of the way to change this bill from insurance coverage to “health-care” coverage. But thanks to the Patriot Act, the re-enactment of which I promised to vote against, but then voted for in a crafty sleight-of-hand maneuver, I know who you are.]
After a nearly century-long struggle, we are now on the cusp of making health insurance reform a reality in the United States of America.
As with any legislation, compromise is part of the process. But I’m pleased that recently added provisions have made this landmark bill even stronger. Between the time when the bill passes and the time when the insurance exchanges get up and running, insurance companies that try to jack up their rates do so at their own peril. Those who hike their prices may be barred from selling plans on the exchanges.
[I assure you that I have spoken to them most sternly on this very subject. The CEO’s who were able to attend my meeting seemed very impressed with my mastery of rhetoric and as an example of how closely they were paying attention, they insisted I use the words “may be barred” rather than “will be barred”. So you see how that works.]
And while insurance companies will be prevented from denying coverage on the basis of pre-existing conditions once the exchanges are open, in the meantime there will be a high-risk pool where people with pre-existing conditions can purchase affordable coverage.
[The exchanges will be open in 2013. It is to be assumed that most of you with pre-existing conditions will have passed on by then.]
A recent amendment has made these protections even stronger. Insurance companies will now be prohibited from denying coverage to children immediately after this bill passes. There’s also explicit language in this bill that will protect a patient’s choice of doctor. And small businesses will get additional assistance as well.
These protections are in addition to the ones we’ve been talking about for some time. No longer will insurance companies be able to drop your coverage if you become sick and no longer will you have to pay unlimited amounts out of your own pocket for treatments that you need.
Under this bill families will save on their premiums; businesses that would see their costs rise if we don’t act will save money now and in the future. This bill will strengthen Medicare and extend the life of the program. Because it’s paid for and gets rid of waste and inefficiency in our health care system, this will be the largest deficit reduction plan in over a decade.
[Well, actually, we plan to tax small businesses into oblivion and may need to completely repeal abortion rights for the sluts among you, and you will, of course, have to pay up to 50% of your income for treatments your insurance company won’t cover before the supplementals kick in, but you could have been born in a wealthy family. Congress cannot be responsible for your lack of foresight. We will strengthen Medicare until next year, at which time we will dissolve it completely. I’m sure someone in my perpetual campaign will inform you at the appropriate time. Please note that deficit reduction is now the most important item on my agenda. I am so very grateful to the Republicans for showing me how to properly run a government and welcome all their ideas in the spirit of bipartisanship.]
Finally, this reform will extend coverage to more than 30 million Americans who don’t have it.
[It will only cost what the insurance companies decide to charge, plus extra for shipping, handling, lobbying, and executive bonuses. AND, you will each receive a lovely set of ginsu knives if you get Congress to act now. This offer is limited and available in only certain viewing areas.]
And your passion, your work, your organizing helped make all of this possible. Now it’s time to finish the job.
[Speaking of which, Congress is almost ready to take up the jobs issue. I fully expect them to implement the wonderful ideas of my good friends, Rahm, Tim, and Ben, who have suggested the repeal of all unemployment benefits and social security, as well as abolishing any jobs not related to military conquest. They also suggest replacing local police forces with the highly-trained staff members of Xe, and imposing a direct EFT transfer of all citizen wages to Goldman, Sachs, which, I am sure you will agree, will be the most cost-effective method of completing the job I have set out to do. At that time, and that time only, will I be able to say, “The job is done. The average American is complete toast.”]
President Barack Obama
He should have also added a PS, as follows: [PS – You will note that the Senate Finance Committee has today soundly endorsed my BFF, Ben Bernanke, for another four years of chairmanship of the Federal Reserve. His singular lack of any ability to foresee the economic crisis while serving for the past four years has made him “too big to fail” and thus the perfect candidate for this post. He will continue the looting of our country as planned by the prior administration. Now I know that some of you look askance at a few of his comments to the finance committee and may in particular find his remark that Congress should repeal Social Security and Medicare because “entitlements are where the money is” to be both dangerous and repugnant. I assume that those of you who think this way are liberal, cheeto-breath losers who do not see it is in the best interest of the country that certain, well, sacrifices must be borne by all, but most particularly by the elderly, the meek, the lame and the halt. It is not for nothing that the Statue of Liberty invites the poor and the downtrodden into our borders. They are such easy targets.]